I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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