It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
