We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
