Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
His hands were made for my vagina.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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