I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
