Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Randomize
