Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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