You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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