Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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