Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
