That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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