Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
3pm strippers are depressing
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
