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I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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