Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
