remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
