you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
