He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
