Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
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