i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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