Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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