He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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