"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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