She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
it glows. i had to have it.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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