I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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