i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
