Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
