I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
