I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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