I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
