i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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