btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
