Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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