I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
