Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
