you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
