My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
