I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
