My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
My underwear smells like fireworks.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I think my moral compass just broke
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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