My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize