Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Randomize
