I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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