I want to stick my p in your. b.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Randomize
