dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
