Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
