Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
