Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
