I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
