someone threw a dead crab at me
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
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