the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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