If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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