I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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